28. Muchness

“Where should I go?”
“That depends on where you want to end up.”

— Alice and the Cheshire Cat. Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

⏳

You know all those things adults say about love? How it’s easy or difficult and simple or complex and how we shouldn’t seek it out and it’ll ultimately find us? How it’s worth it?

Yeah, for Rani, there weren’t really any positives about love in the same way that there weren’t any negatives. She hated it. Absolutely, irrevocably hated it.

But then, at the same time, she loved it. Needed it. Spent all her time worrying about it, searching it, feeling like she had to have it.

For Rani, love was all about extremes… which shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, given her age. Boy, how she wished she could just skip these teen days entirely and move on to the in her eyes all but Utopian days of adulthood; where she could finally be her own person and nothing else would matter anymore and she would be married with 2.5 kids and a blonde Labrador named Toby and a mean, grumpy cat named Cat. Those would be the days.

But until then, she had to go through this first. She had to get through the horror that was adolescence. She had to get through all of those aforementioned extremes about love.

And if it weren’t clear enough already, Rani felt another urge to emphasize how NOT easy it was, adolescence. For adults, she imagined, love was easy. She wasn’t entirely sure why she did – maybe it was from watching her fathers, whose love was so pure she could only wish to achieve the same some day – but it was something she felt resolved on. Love was easy and it came automatically and when you knew, you knew. And when you loved someone, they loved you back.

It’s what she had hoped would happen to her initially, too. She’d had high hopes for love. But then her adolescence came. And boy, what a mess that was.

She was fairly sure she could no longer count on one hand the amount of unrequited cases of love she had experienced already.

First off was Terrance Jang, who had been one of her best friends for as long as she could remember. A recipe for disaster and heartbreak, she knew, but she couldn’t very well help her feelings, now could she?

They were still good friends to this day. She, Bella, and Ter. Together, they had been through it all.

She wasn’t sure about the whens or the hows, but at some point, she and Ter… they became more – this was how Rani saw it, at least. And she felt like she had good reason to.

And just when she thought they were going to take that next step…

…He broke her heart instead.

It had just started raining and to Rani, in that moment, everything seemed perfect and romantic. That was, until she decided to blurt out exactly how much she liked him, causing Ter to just look at her with this sad, all but pitiful look in his eyes. She would never forget that look.

“Look, Rani… I thought we were just fooling around a bit. I didn’t know you really felt that strongly about me… and I just… I can’t return those feelings. I’m sorry.”

Rani, who didn’t have the words to respond, watched Terrance go back inside, face morphing back into his trademark nonchalant smile as though nothing had happened.

At that point, Rani was at the end of her rope – here she was, on fucking Love Day of all days, and she’d just gotten rejected… badly.

Now, naturally, after such a rejection Rani wasn’t exactly in the best states of mind she’d ever been in. And that is exactly how the next calamity happened; barely five minutes after the first one had just gone down, when she, on some kind of impossible whim, stood up and went to kiss the nearest boy she saw: Luis. Shocked as he was, the latter only just managed to pull up his hands in between their faces while he pulled back from her.

“Woah, Rani,” he said as he tried to wring himself free from her. “What has gotten into you?!’”

***

It didn’t just stay at those two rejections. God, no. It got worse. And that worseness came in the form of Sage, a mysterious boy with tattoos and just this sense of enigma that led to Rani not nearly being the only girl with an interest in him.

Surprisingly, though, it was Rani he sought out – and it was Sage whom her first kiss went to, on the Romance Festival, as they stood and watched the fireworks together. It was the exact level of romantic she’d wanted her first kiss to be.

For a moment there, Rani’s hope returned. They became somewhat along the lines of Simsbook official, although she couldn’t say with exact certainty whether that also meant they were really something. She didn’t know why, but with Sage, she kept feeling as though he wasn’t entirely there when he was with her.

And she would soon realize why he wasn’t – since apparently, Sage had already found his one true love at only sixteen in Theresa Cordero, but the problem was that the latter’s father had forbidden her to see him.

It didn’t take long for Rani to find out that it was her eyes he dreamed of looking into when he saw Rani’s; and that that was why he was never all there.

And Rani, being the good love doctor she was, decided to be the mature one here and ended things; barely a week after they had only just started.

“Look, Sage, I know you still like Theresa… and that you’ll always like her more than me.”

When Sage was going to object, she continued.

“And that’s OK. I mean, I’m OK with it. Really. I mean, we can’t help who we like. But it does mean that I don’t want to be with you. You should be with her… no matter what your or her parents might say. Maybe I am too much of a romantic here, but… I like to believe that in the end, love will find a way to win, no matter what happens.”

In case anyone wondered: yes, he actually listened to Rani’s words, and yes, he and Theresa got together…

And they stayed together… forever.

***

Anyhow. Back to the present. So Sage failed. Terrance failed. Luis… well, that whole story, though it became no less painful, didn’t end there. After that whole thing, she and Luis actually grew closer and closer – as friends, of course.

But then she found to her horror that she was actually starting to like the guy. As more than a friend, that was. She had to suppress a sigh as she came to that realization. Not again.

But Rani, being the romantic she was, didn’t really learn. Once she felt for someone, she couldn’t stop. She wasn’t entirely stupid about it, of course; wanting desperately to avoid another batch of hurt, she kept an eye out for any potential competition and found it in Luis’ friend Beejay, whose lingering looks on Luis hadn’t gone unnoticed to her.

So she did what any sensible person would do: she tried to set up her crush with someone else. This time, she wanted to be sure before she’d go in. This time, she would be smart.

“It’s obvious he likes you. I mean, you’re a catch,” Rani joked. She and Luis were sitting on her bed. “Who wouldn’t?” She chose her next words with careful consideration. “And honestly, I think you kind of like him too…”

But Luis wasn’t having it. “Look, Rani, I really don’t need you or anyone else trying to set me up. I must be giving out some weird vibe that I apparently need help in the romance department, but I actually really don’t. So would you please just drop this, alright? Just because I haven’t been romantic yet, really doesn’t mean I need any help. It’s been my own decision not to be.”

She didn’t stop at that. If Luis was going to be like that, then she’d just try someone else.

So you really think he actually likes me?” Beejay asked. “Because I’ve tried before, you know…”

“I’m sure he does,” Rani interjected. “It’s obvious. He’s just scared.”

“I’ll try not to come on too strong this time,” Beejay smiled.

Rani smiled back. “Go get him, tiger,” she joked. Beejay’s smile turned into a smirk.

“I sure will.”

And then, Rani waited… it was a few days later, while hanging out at Desert Bloom with some friends, that she finally received a text message from Beejay. And as she saw it, her heart skipped a beat.

“Why didn’t you tell me he was already in a relationship?”

Rani had known for a fact that Luis wasn’t in a relationship. He couldn’t be. If he were, he would’ve told her. There was simply no way. And just like that, her mind went in a direction it had been going to so often lately, but which she had tried so hard to suppress. Could he mean her? Could it be that he actually had a crush on her? She had never told anyone this, had been having trouble even admitting it to herself, but the closer she’d gotten to Luis, the more she was starting to see just how much of a catch he actually was. So then why did she set him up with Beejay? Because she’d never thought Luis even liked her. Had always thought he’d had eyes for someone else, but had never been sure. This had been her test – she’d rather live in certainty and risk losing him, than have to come up and admit her feelings only for him to say he loves someone else. This message, she hadn’t even dare expect this… and even though she knew she shouldn’t, she immediately thought he must be meaning her… and her heart filled with joy. Finally.

But then, hardly ten minutes after the first message, her phone buzzed again. Another message from Bee.

“Sorry, mix up. We’re going out!”

With that, Rani’s heart sunk to the ground – and it sunk lower than it ever had.

The moment she received that news, Rani had to get out of that room – the last thing she wanted was for her friends to see her upset. She had never really shown her emotions in front of anyone, and she wouldn’t start now. It was when she was entirely sure she was out of her friends’ earshot that se balled her hands into fists and cursed – had to suppress a scream from frustration.

This, she was pretty sure, this was the worst thing ever. This was the absolute worst thing that could’ve happened – for her to be given this spark of hope,leading her to finally admit to herself these feelings she’s felt for Luis, only for it to be destroyed. She was sure that if Bee had told her they were going out immediately, she’d have been sad too. But she would’ve accepted it. But this? This was just fucking awful, Rani fumed.

For a moment, she felt impossibly angry with Beejay. How dare he give her this hope only to take it away immediately? How dare he steal her crush?

But when Luis came up to her and thanked her with more sincerity and warmth and emotion in his voice than she’d ever heard before, Rani’s anger subsided. At least now she knew. She could move on now. And at least her friends were happy.

At this point, apart from seriously starting to consider a career in matchmaking, Rani was starting to wonder if she’d ever find love. Of course, a part of her knew she was being dramatic – after all, she wasn’t even 18 yet. Still had her whole life ahead of her, as Cai had told her reassuringly.

“I mean, it took me 500 years to find my soulmate.”

“That’s… not that reassuring, pop,” Rani had answered. She didn’t exactly have that kind of time.

“Just don’t look for it, Rani,” Cai ultimately said. “It doesn’t work that way. You know what they say: it’ll come when you least expect it… and you won’t be an exception.”

***

So, if she were asked to sum up her adolescence, she would use this example:

It was around this time that Rani finally gave up; and, contrary to popular belief, this wasn’t exactly a bad thing. Now that her mind was no longer constantly occupied by trains of thought solely concerning love, she finally found the space to enjoy other things. Things she did have; like the most amazing parents a child could possibly wish for.

Also, the most amazing group of friends she could possibly wish for.

Oh, yeah, Rani never had to worry about a lack of people in her life; as they were abundant. And slowly but surely, Rani came to the realization that her life really wasn’t all that bad. It was actually pretty good. She found her hobby – and hopefully future career – in photography, with Cai taking her to photo studios every Saturday…

Little did she know back then that it would be through that studio, that she would finally find the love she had been searching for. You know that old saying, about how we should never search for love and it’ll only come to us when we’re not looking for it? Well, Rani could vow for that. When she met Marissa, she had long since quenched her desire for a relationship.

She was at the studio, and Rani, mesmerized by her beauty, found herself asking Marissa to be Rani’s model. She said yes.

They grew closer that same day; spending their whole afternoon in the studio, Marissa rapidly grew into another one of Rani’s many friends.

Then, when the studio finally became boring, they moved on; and Marissa took her shopping instead.

They somehow ended up at a bar that night – about which Rani initially spluttered that she’s ‘not 18 yet,’ but Marissa just looked at her weirdly. “Neither am I. Come on,” gleefully pushing her in the direction of the bar.

After a while, Rani just had to complain to Marissa about the obvious: boys. After all, even if she had found room for more than love in her life these days, it was still a good topic for discussion.

“I mean, I’m almost 18 and I still have yet to find someone… it’s unbelievable. It’s not for a lack of trying. God knows how many crushes I’ve had. It’s pathetic, really. And these boys… they just keep screwing me over. I mean, at this point, I’m kind of just like ‘what’s the point?’ I’m kind of over it. Do I even want to date them?”

Marissa nodded understandably. “Yeah, boys,” she said, voice dripping with disgust. “I don’t really do those.”

The more she talked to Marissa, the more new insights Rani got. Suddenly, she didn’t feel like there was a heavy block weighing her down anymore. She realized that she really didn’t need any boys. Besides, did she even want any of them? She’d wanted Luis, she admitted that. Had had a decent crush on Terrance, sure. But for the most part, she’d also just felt an obligation to find a boyfriend, because that was what teen girls did. Have boyfriends.

As the night went on and Rani and Marissa got more and more tipsy, the mood started to change as well. At some point, Rani jokingly grabbed a rose from a nearby vase and gave it to Marissa.

“You’re so much prettier than any boy could ever be,” she said – her voice lighthearted, but not unserious. “I mean, I could never see myself giving a rose to a boy. That’s like… they just don’t really deserve that, you know? They’re not worthy.”

She laughed. Marissa returned her laugh. “Time to lay off of those boys, then, Rani.”

She did.